Something More

Something more, I needed something more.  Children, a marriage, someone to trust, someone to love, someone who would not judge me for what I was not.  So, I started praying...to who or what, I wasn't sure.  I thought maybe someone would hear.  "Please help", I would ask.  I wasn't sure what I wanted but this life of abusive relationships had to end.  "Please help."  Then as usual, I went to the club that night.  That's the night my life changed forever.  He was someone from my past.  So handsome and happy.  Just something about him I just really wanted to know.  A warm feeling took over me as he gave me his phone number.  As soon as this happened, it took me back to when I had a crush on him in Jr. High (I told my girlfriend back then, "I will marry him some day").  Funny huh.

Unsure what it would lead to, I called knowing I had nothing to lose.  Not to mention I had to get out of the relationship I was in.  He had my stomach in butterflies from our first phone conversation.  I knew he already had my heart.  We started dating and he saw me through yet another suicide attempt.  But he did something no one else had ever done...He prayed for me.  It scared me at first, and I wasn't sure what to make of it.  Then, I got better and he read to me from a book called the "Daily Wisdom."  Again, I was scared and felt out of my element.  I thought to myself, "Should I leave him, is he weird?"  But I went with it.  Something told me it was safe.  Not to mention, all the readings pertained to my life.  So then, I was not only scared but fascinated.

He had me meet him at his mom's house one night because he and his friends were all going to Hawaii.  So I went.  I had never felt like I fit in anywhere until then.  His mother was so loving, caring and generous and he and his friends were charming as could be.  I had never laughed so much in my life.  I was scared he was leaving though.  We had only been seeing each other for I think a week or two.

Then he left and darkness fell on my life again.  Everything went crazy.  I knew I had to leave the place I was living.  My ex-boyfriend kept calling and showing up.  I really wanted the new guy to come back home.  Then, he called.  It was great and everything seemed better.  When I got off the phone, I cried myself to sleep with the song "I'll be dreaming of you tonight" by Selena.

Well, he was finally coming home after what seemed like a year (actually, 2 weeks).  He called and wanted to see me.  Again, everything seemed perfect.  I went over and he gave me a gift.  It was the most special gift because he had thought of me.  No one had ever done that before, without expecting something in return.  I still have that gift to this day.

Then, we were talking about how bad things were on my end (they always were).  And together, we decided I would move in with him and his roommates.  He lived in the garage.  Every night, he would have us read from that book and he would tell me stories about his grandfather.  We would laugh together all the time.  It was great.  Then, he wanted me to go to church!!  What, me go to church.  Oh no, how do I get out of this one?  I live with him, I can't run (Anytime anything got bad in my life I would run).  So I agreed to go with him and his roommate, who was also just finding God.  But I said I would not promise to like it (not to mention his ex-girlfriend supposedly went to this church and I wasn't ready for that either).  But I went, and as I suspected I hated it.  He told me that was fine because God would only give me things in teaspoonfuls so I could handle it.  I was fighting this whole "God thing" and church with everything I knew.

Yet after everything, he never gave up, he kept reading to me, taught me a prayer and even went as far as to read to me from the Bible.  I had many questions and was very overwhelmed.  What was I getting myself into.  Was it right, was it wrong?  Should I end this relationship, should I run.  But I couldn't.  Something stronger kept me there.

The time had come again when his roommate wanted us to try yet another church.  So again, like pulling teeth, he convinced me to go.  I went again saying I could not promise anything.  But this time it was different.  Something was very, very different.  The pastor was talking and it's as if he was talking right to me, right to my heart.  He pinpointed everything.  The partying, drugs, drinking, dating, pre-marital sex, suicide.  Everything I knew, he was talking about.  He said that God wanted to help heal all of that.  That I could still be a good person.  What?  Me, a good person.  No way.  My reputation, my whole life, everything I ever knew.  What?  And next thing I know, I was crying.  It felt like all the things I wanted to leave behind were being lifted away from my heart.  Everything I had ever known!  This was pretty scary.  He said all you had to do was ask God into your heart and ask Him to forgive you for all your sins (in my case, my whole life).  And this would cleanse your soul and your new life would begin.

What?  I'm crying.  I'm standing.  I'm walking to the altar.  I'm scared, very, very scared.  What was this feeling?  But, he held my hand the entire way never thinking I was silly, dumb, none of those things.  He looked at me with approval, like he was proud.  This was too different.  Now I really wasn't sure what to do.  I felt pulled between this new life which I loved and my old life which I knew.  So many emotions!  But, he never pushed me.  He kept praying and kept telling me stories.  So, I guess I was a believer but still refused to call myself a Christian (in case I messed up).  But the feeling of praying and having your prayer answered, nothing could compare to this.  I for once did not want to end my life.  For once I felt hope, peace, a calmness in my life that I never had.  Jesus they called Him.  I called Him!

I can't believe I lived so long without Him in my life.  My husband of 5 years (he was the guy) tells me it was all God's plan.  I say yes.  Even though I prayed a prayer to someone I did not know at the time, there is no doubt it was God.  But, it was also the angel that He used to bring me to Him.  If not for my husband's patience, understanding and unconditional love, I feel I would still not know Him.  I may have been dead already.  That scares me more than anything.

Thank you, Thank you Lord Jesus.  Thank you for my beautiful life.

A.A. - California